What if London art museums had Hinge profiles?

13/02/26 8 min read Words: Annabel Downes

You can always count on us to ask the important questions at Plaster. This Valentine’s Day, we got Annabel Downes to imagine how eligible museums might write their dating profiles

Cripes, it’s Valentine’s Day! Which means London’s most eligible cultural institutions are polishing their facades (and reputations), curating their first impressions and rehearsing their origin stories. These notorious exhibitionists are revered, glamorous, controversial, and very much seeking new acquisitions…

National Portrait Gallery

Age: 169 years old

Location: Trafalgar Square

I won’t shut up about… My recent facelift. My ex encouraged me to get it before fucking off with an older guy (kleptomaniac, apparently) across town. But it’s a new chapter for me, and loads more people visit me these days. Plus, my backdoors (tattooed by Tracey from Margate) have never seen so much action.

How to pronounce my name… National PORTRAIT Gallery.

The most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done… Bought a £3 million Victorian lavatory for my backyard, just for the crack!

Tate

Age: 128 years old
Location: Two London homes (north and south of the river), a fixer-upper under reno in Liverpool, and a summer bolt-hole in Cornwall.

I get myself out of a funk by… Swinging. A few years ago, my sex life dried up. I had had one or two bad reviews in the bedroom (“monotomous”, “deathly dull”), and the Turn’er (Over) Prize I had been awarding for best performance, people started to call it irrelevant! I blame it on long COVID. I decided to shake things up: I opened up my relationship, and stayed up late every Friday to anyone eager to cum. It was such a riproaring success, I now do it twice weekly!

I’m looking for… An experienced female dom. I was married to my ex-husband Nick for 25 years. People still love to bore on how amazing he was – but honestly, my pivot to women completely transformed my outlook.

Don’t go out with me if… You expect your dinners to be paid for and/or don’t like children. I recently hosted an ‘endowment’ gala for some well-endowed Sugar Mummies and Daddies (the British Musuem copied me lol!).

British Museum

Age: 267 years old
Location: Bloomsbury

My therapist would say I… Have trust issues. The last guy I was seeing was stealing from me for years. My therapist has taught me that possession is a fluid concept and ownership is a matter of perspective, which I’ve taken in my stride.

Best travel story… About 200 years ago, I went on a gap year – well, it was called a Grand Tour back then – around Europe and northern Africa. And I’ll tell you now, and I shopped till I dropped! In Greece I picked up some battered marble, in Egypt an engraved stone, a drum from Ghana, and a few bronzes from Benin. Some of it I should really return, but I’ve lost the receipts (oopsies!).

The weird thing about me… I love old tapestries. I’m Fedexing one over from Normandy in the autumn. It’s an absolute steal, but the bloody insurance is doing my head in!

Royal Academy

Age: 257 years old

Location: Piccadilly

If loving this is wrong, I don’t want to be right… People are so mean about my annual Summer gathering, mainly the Mayfair literati and the aging critics – but what is so wrong with democratising the otherwise inaccessible world of W1 for those on the outskirts, namely the struggling artisans cooped up in home studios in across Wandsworth, Wimbledon, and Walthamstow?

A shower thought I recently had… This whole “not dating white men” is going surprisingly well for me. Bringing home a woman for the first time in 2023 had its challenges (Marina’s practices were not to everyone’s taste), but she definitely broadened my horizons. Since then I’ve had some gratifying flings with artists like Kerry James Marshall, who everyone keeps raving about. Some say I’m in the form of my life.

V&A

Age: 173 years old
Location: South Kensington, Bethnal Green, Dundee and soon to be Stratford

Give me travel tips for… I realised all my west London friends were all rather one-dimensional, and so I ended up raising my child in East London. Since then, I’ve broadened my E footprint. Half my shit is already in storage over there.

My favourite LGBTQ+ book is… If you dispose of your biros, laptop case, water bottle, and other explosive paraphernalia before entering my library you can find out for yourself!

The one thing you should know about me… My diary is usually choc-o-bloc with my middle-class friends who’ve come up to see me from the Home Counties. But slip me £82 a year, and I’ll move some things around for you.

Saatchi Gallery

Age: 40 years old

Location: Sloane Square

You should leave a comment if… you like Jigsaw, scalloped lampshades, kitchen renovations, face renovations, personalised phone cases, birthday cards that reference alcohol consumption, Tesco Club*card points, autumnal walks around Battersea Park, and getting into the Christmassy spirit by attending the Spirit of Christmas.

*Other clubs I like: Queen’s Club, The Kennel Club, Andrew Robson’s Bridge Club, ‘the 151 club’, run club, The Thursday Murder Club, and Club Class’ club sandwich while scowling at the juveniles who think it ‘amusing’ to join the Mile High Club.

One thing you should know about me… My dad abandoned me years ago and now I’m a bit of a (deep breath) charity case.

My most controversial opinion… Damien’s a very talented man.

Serpentine Galleries

Age: 56 years old

Location: Hyde Park

My most controversial opinion… Behind every great woman is a great man.

A random fact I love is… If you walk across a park for 40 minutes a day, five days a week for 40 years, you’ve walked quite a long way.

Typical Sunday… I love flexing for the ‘gram. Recently I’ve taken to inviting people to sit cross legged on my sitting room floor in front of some hulking great speakers to post it on their Insta story.

Barbican

Age: 43 years old

Location: Barbican

Therapy recently taught me… I have quite a few devastatingly good-looking east London exes living rent-free in my head. Except they’re not exactly rent free; the prices are actually eye-watering, many of them can be found via a quick scroll on Modern House’s website.

Don’t go out with me if you don’t… Like a bit of chaos. I’m a polymath. A multi-hypanate. One minute I’m doing charity work screening West End productions for people who couldn’t otherwise afford tickets; the next I’m championing bedroom-DJs at my ‘anyone can dance’ late night parties