What if art galleries were football clubs?

With the Premier League approaching its climactic ending (and me, Venice/NYC fatigued and still feigning interest in Spurs), it got me thinking: if Premier League clubs were art galleries, which would be which? Full disclosure: As well as Plaster, I also run an art gallery… plus, Tatler magazine once referred to my Spurs fandom as my defining feature, so my (very biased) opinions are entirely my own. (A couple of Chelsea fans in the office have already kicked up a fuss.)

This highly nuanced exercise requires intricate knowledge of both the Premier League and the gallery system. I’ve done my best, but whether Harold Ancart’s switch from Zwirner to Gagosian is more Ashley Cole from Arsenal to Chelsea or Raheem Sterling from Man City to Chelsea, who knows – and honestly, who cares, but enjoy the matchmaking.

Gagosian – Manchester City

Here are two titans at the top of their game with a roster of star-studded signings: City has De Bruyne; Gagosian has Ed Ruscha and both have a track record for poaching young talent (Jack Grealish, meet Lauren Halsey). Pep and Larry (two figures for whom first names will suffice) are the masterminds behind their institutions’ record-breaking goals and sales, sharing a knack for patient yet lethal gameplay and business tactics. Gagosian certainly has a legacy, but even its history of working with Cy Twombly and Roy Lichtenstein doesn’t quite match the level of Man City legends Paulo Wanchope and Colin Bell. With Pep approaching his tenth anniversary as City manager, and Larry brushing with 80 years around the sun, questions of succession linger on the touchline.

David Zwirner – Liverpool

Over the last decade, Liverpool FC and David Zwirner Gallery have both grown to levels of success many could only dream of thanks to the charms of the club’s outgoing manager, Jürgen Klopp, and the gallery’s eponymous owner. But look closer and maybe it isn’t all plain sailing: Liverpool’s failure to rebuild Anfield and get a new stadium evokes Zwirner’s recently abandoned plans for an ambitious new gallery in Chelsea, New York. But Zwirner quickly pivoted to a new location – Liverpool, what’s your excuse?

Pace – Arsenal

Arne and Arsene: two legends of the game: Marc Glimcher and Mikel Arteta; their potential heirs, or perhaps great pretenders? Only the end of this season will tell. Will the new youthful roster of the likes of Pam Evelyn and Kylie Manning help them rise to the top, and will Saka and Martinelli push Arsenal over the line for the Premiership title? Or will the Arsenal’s young guns and Pace’s sales team be holding on to their past ‘invincible’ glories?

White Cube – Tottenham Hotspur

Tottenham Hotspur has invested heavily in infrastructure: a new stadium and state-of-the-art training facilities. It all feels very similar to Jay Jopling’s opening of his industrial-scale Bermondsey gallery in 2011. Both try to play with the big boys and always boast great talent, but as both a Spurs and YBA fan, it’s difficult to admit that neither has ever quite reached the global heights of the other top Premier League clubs… yet. It also leaves me wondering, when White Cube lost their star striker Damien Hirst, he did eventually return; will we see the same hero’s return of Harry Kane?

Marlborough Gallery – Manchester United

When I started this list, I had Manchester United down as Marlborough Gallery. They’re both legacy institutions and always feature at the top of the table. Blockbuster names like Francis Bacon and George Best, cemented their position as British royalty with an ever-loyal fan base. In recent years, they’ve fallen behind the others with no decisive style of play. Little did I know by the time I got back from Venice to finish this article Marlborough would be closed. Perhaps a bad omen for Jim Ratcliffe’s new ownership!

Maddox Gallery – Chelsea

Welcome to the nouveau riche; all money, no history. The fans are dispassionate and in my experience, are usually bad company. They love to wear the badge when it suits them, but with a string of bad results and flashy new ownership, it seems all the Chelsea fans have…  disappeared? When they do show up to matches, you’ll probably find them in corporate hospitality, discussing the ‘transformative power’ of the Connor Brothers (no relation to Conor Gallagher), overpriced Banksys and how they were early investors in John Terry’s now-worthless NFT scheme.