How to crash art world VIP events

Your name’s not down, you’re not coming in. It might be a launch event, a private view, an exclusive party or VIP lounge of an art fair. You might not be a market darling, the latest hot young gallerist or a jet-setting collector, but for whatever reason you’d like to hang out with those people. Here’s a guide on how to crash the VIP events of the art world.

Fit check

First things first, you need to look the part. There are two approaches, you can either fit in or stand out. Fitting in doesn’t necessarily mean an expensive outfit. We’re all now familiar with the idea of stealth wealth. Maybe you have a few Depop’d items from Loro Piana, Giorgio Armani, and Phoebe Philo-era Celine – wear them. If this isn’t an option, then take the opposite approach, stand out: hoodies, trainers, sweatpants, board shorts, sports bras, grey t-shirts, trucker caps. It’s disarming. The only accessory you should be carrying is a champagne flute, half filled. It looks cool and casual, it looks like you’ve momentarily stepped outside for a smoke, it looks like you belong here.

Walk in

Simply walk in. Either through the front door or perhaps a side entrance. If this works (and you’d be surprised at how often it does) then well done, you’ve learned the big secret: that the art world isn’t as scary as it seems. So long as you hold yourself with confidence, you can get away with a lot of things. Of course, it’s not always this easy, otherwise everyone would be doing it. If you find yourself on the wrong side of a velvet rope, then there are a few more tricks you can try.

Name-drop

The first tactic is name-dropping. A word of warning: name-dropping is a hard skill to master, and the person on the door will likely have heard the same names all night. Instead of saying you’re a friend of the artist (artists don’t hold much sway around these parts), or a gallerist (too recognisable, likely to be in attendance), say that you’re with a collector. Perhaps you’re a dear friend, or merely a personal assistant. Try to pick a lesser-known person who isn’t likely to be at the event. If anyone picks up on this, say something like, “I know right! It’s not like they’d be seen dead here!”

Forge invites

If you’ve got some time, create a fake invitation that you can flash on the door. Change a close friend’s contact details to match those of a gallerist, and get them to message you an invitation. They could even send a fake e-vite. Open up Photoshop and get creative. If you’re comfortable using Photoshop and committing some minor crimes (but tell me, is it truly a crime to want to party?), then you could even make your own staff pass. Search social media just before the event for staff sharing behind-the-scenes selfies or sneak previews. Look for any pictures which include tickets, wristbands or lanyards. Once you’ve found one, copy it, print it, and take it to the event. Good luck.

Commit ID Fraud

Up the risks and rewards with impersonation. The security may have a guestlist, but can they remember faces? Don’t make a fuss, you don’t want to embarrass them, just quietly inform them you are in fact Larry Gagosian / Roberta Smith / Jonathan Jones / Marina Abramović. The only risk you run is being rumbled by artworld attendees who happen to overhear you. Deflect them. Tell them you’re trying a new look / had a haircut / on Ozempic. If you’re really committed to the bit, then eliminate all risk by changing your name. In the UK it’s simply a case of enrolling on the deed poll for £42.44, though it may take up to 8 weeks to update all your records. A fast-track passport application costs £155 and takes one week. Then, say hello to the new David Zwirner. If you start the process in January, you’ll be ready ahead of the Venice Biennale.

Bribe

If a real-life Talented Mr. Ripley sounds too complicated, but you’re willing to throw money at the problem, then maybe a simple bribe is the way to go. Just don’t do it at the door. Flashing cash isn’t classy, it stinks of desperation, and it’s too obvious what’s occurring. Plan ahead. Find a security guard on their break. Be friendly, chat, offer them a cig or a vape or some money “for their lunch.” Most importantly, make sure they catch your name so that when you show up they’ll be more than happy to let you in. Just remember that your wallet probably isn’t the deepest, otherwise you’d already be inside.

Run

The last piece of advice, which according to a close source has worked more than once: run… just run. Make sure you warm up, stretch those glutes, and go for it. With speed, agility and surprise, you might just make it past the guards. And if you’ve followed the advice above, you’ll be dressed the part and once inside you’ll blend seamlessly with the crowd. Wait it out. Security will soon give up, they aren’t there to hassle the guests. Your dramatic entrance might even help you. The truth is that VIP events and lounges aren’t the most exciting affairs. Attendees are always desperate for a bit of drama, and what’s better than having witnessed a real life gatecrasher? You might find that your new-found celebrity leads art world insiders to vouch for you. Now, there’s nothing left to do other than charge your glass (you didn’t drop it did you?) and get chatting.